I work hard to make sure my department is as small and as ineffective as possible.

Well, you know it's like I always say 'it ain't government work if you don't have to do it twice.'

You hear that? That's not a heart monitor, it's a machine telling me I'm low on khakis.

The "Webster's Dictionary defines" intro is The Jim Belushi of speech openings: it accomplishes nothing, but everyone keeps on using it, and no one knows why.

I refused to give Santa a Christmas List because I didn't want to depend on a man for anything.

Abed is a magical elf-like man who makes us all more magical by being near him.

No woman, none of us have to go to anyone. And the idea that we do is a mental illness we contracted from breath mint commercials and Sandra Bullock. We can't keep going to each other until we learn to go to ourselves. Stop making our hatred of ourselves someone else's job and just stop hating ourselves.

Friends don't do what you did to us. Did the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants poison each other's food so they were too sick to leave? No! I've never seen it, but I'm pretty sure they MAILED EACH OTHER PANTS!

Anyone can be a lawyer. You can even represent yourself. You can't do surgery on yourself. It's illegal. You'd get arrested, and then you'd get a free lawyer.

It's Valentine's week, when the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But, remember, Cupid's face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind but also dizzy and a little belligerent.

Jeff: I'm saying, you're a football player. It's in your blood!
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your soul.
Troy: That's racist.
Jeff: Your eyes?
Troy: That's gay?
Jeff: That's homophobic.
Troy: That's black.
Jeff: _That's_ racist.

Annie: This is really important to me, Abed. Could you please go as my friend? My really good friend?
Abed: Well, I didn't realize we were really good friends. I figured we were more like Chandler and Phoebe. They never really had stories together. ... Sure, I'll do it, Chandler.

Gus: That's baking soda.
Shawn: Bacon soda? That's a genius idea, but I'm not sure the world is ready for a pork-flavored beverage.

Good news, everyone! I've taught the toaster to feel love!

Homer: Barney, where have you been?
Barney: All I can remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. Or maybe it was a street corner.

Homer: Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Khlav Kalash Vendor: Mountain Dew or Crab Juice.
Homer: Blecch! Ew! Sheesh! I'll take a crab juice.

Soldier: This is the worst part. The calm before the battle.
Fry: And then the battle's not so bad?
Soldier: Oh right. I forgot about the battle.

This is the worst kind of discrimination: the kind against me!

Mr. Plow, for making it possible for people to get where they're going without resorting to public transportation or carpooling, I give you the key to the city.

It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

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