Good news! Thanks to you I was able to make a rhesus monkey cry like a disgraced televangelist.

She used to be much more fun until Leonard punched her in the heart.

Leonard: You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern kingdoms has been picked clean, like a carcass in the desert sun. Plus, the FBI hung up on me.

Three thousand hours, three thousand hours clicking on that mouse, collecting weapons and gold. It's almost as if it was a huge waste of time.

He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in a make-believe place.

Irrelevant. Leonard doesn't trim his nose hair. He thinks because he's short, no one can see up there.

I love parks. I don't know if that's something I've communicated before. So, having a picnic with all the former living parks department directors? Guess who just checked something off her bucket list!

Horseback. You should ask her on horseback. No, you should ask her in a hot air balloon. No, she should be on a hot air balloon and you should ride up on horseback. Oh, wait. She's in the balloon; you ride up on horseback. You point to the sky. Up there, skywriting. Marry me, Ann.

When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town and won. Little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion I guess. Here's the thing, though, about 18-year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground and after two months got impeached. Worst part was my parents grounded me.

I have a resting heart rate of 23 beats per minute. The scientists who study me say my heart can pump jet fuel up into an airplane.

I know what'll loosen up our brains. Massage train. And, I know what you're thinking. It's not that I want a massage; I'll be the caboose. And Ron Swanson is the locomotive.

There's an old saying in show business: The show must go wrong. Everything always goes wrong, and you just have to deal with it.

The bankrupt government of Pawnee has been shut down all summer so it's been three months of no work, no meetings, no memos, no late nights, nothing. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

Well, I am not usually one for speeches. So, goodbye.

Under my tutelage, you will grow from boys to men. From men into gladiators. And from gladiators into Swansons.

Haircuts, there are three acceptable haircuts: High and tight, crew cut, buzz cut. Are the scissors broken in your house, son?

I'd say my coaching style is centered around fundamentals, with an emphasis on fun. And a second emphasis on ... mental.

The less I know about other people's affairs, the happier I am. I'm not interested in caring about people. I once worked with a guy for three years and never learned his name. Best friend I ever had. We still never talk sometimes.

Leslie, I typed your symptoms into the thing up here and it says you could have network connectivity problems.

It's not that I don't trust Ben. It's that I don't have faith in Ben. And also I'm starting to forget who Ben is.