See, I never promise Leslie anything. That way I never disappoint her. I try to be considerate.

Ben: You need a ride back to the office?
Chris: No, no. I'm going to go for a light 15K. I missed yesterday.

For my item I chose a picture of my ex-girlfriend, Lucy, with a mustache drawn on her face and stink lines coming off her, because she stinks!

I am submitting this menu from a Pawnee institution, J.J.'s Diner. Home of the world's best breakfast dish: The Four Horsemeals of the Eggporkalypse.

She broke up with me. Didn't really tell me why. Luckily when you're the guy you can just tell people she's crazy. "Hey, Tom, I heard you and Lucy broke up." "Yeah, man. Turns out, she's crazy." That's what they always do on Entourage.

It's not cool. It's trespassing, and that is breaking the rules. Cool people make the rules. They don't break the rules. And if those kids want you to break the rules then they're not really your friends.

Dude, that is the coolest sentence I have ever heard somebody talk.

Am I team Edward? Yes. Do I share his concerns about turning Bella, though? Absolutely not.

Leslie: I think we should put Twilight in the time capsule.
Ron: Leslie, no. We don't negotiate with weirdos.

Ben: Should we throw in some salads for a healthy option?
Tom: Wow, don't be such a Jerry, Ben.
Leslie: Yeah, Ben. These guys are cops. Not ballerinas.

Leslie: Calzones are like pizzas but they're harder to eat. They're dumb. And so was that idea.
Ben: Seriously?
Tom: This is embarrassing for you.

I'd like you to get me some more post-its. I'd like them in multiple colors. I'd like green. I'd like yellow. Do not buy orange. I do not want orange. I have plenty of orange.

I haven't felt this good in years. And it's not just because of the supplements he has me taking and the soluble fiber and the increase in regularity. It's him.

Look I love you like a brother. But right now I hate you. Like my actual brother, Levandrious, who I hate.

Calzones are pointless. They're just pizza that's harder to eat. No one likes them. Good day, sir.

Encapsulate the spirit of melancholy. Easy. Boom, a sad desk. Boom, sad wall. It's art. Anything is anything.

He's not going to be able to keep anything from me. In high school they used to call me Angela Lansbury, but that was because of my hair cut.

Then I'm sure he's not cheating on you. But if he is, he's a monster. And if he's not, you guys are great together. But if he is, I will kill him.

Chris: Man, you are just knocking these off. You're like a ninja crossed with a Jedi or something.
Tom: You're like a nerd mixed with a dork or something.
Chris: Tom, Star Wars is not that nerdy.

You're all amazing, wonderful people and I really want you to have fun today and not focus on the fact that if one thing goes wrong, we're all gonna lose our jobs.